Wall Street Journal (7.27.10)

Fighting Happily Ever After

There's a Right Way to Argue and It Can Be Good for Relationships

Couples are more likely to divorce if they exhibit negative behavior during a conflict before they get married. WSJ's Bonds columnist Elizabeth Bernstein provides you with tips on how to fight better, which psychologists say can save your marriage.

Research shows it's how we fight—where, when, what tone of voice and words we use, whether we hear each other out fairly—that's critical. If we argue poorly, we may end up headed for divorce court. Yet if we argue well, experts say, we actually may improve our relationship.

Esther and Bill Bleuel learned to change the way they fight. A few years ago, they had a serious spat while driving down Interstate 5 in California. The topic was a sore one: His adult daughters from his first marriage. Ms. Bleuel felt her husband paid more attention to them than to her.

Suddenly, Ms. Bleuel, who was driving, saw red lights flashing behind her. Glancing quickly at her speedometer, she realized she was traveling 96 miles per hour in 65 mph zone. She pulled over, and a policeman approached the car. Before she had a chance to speak, though, her husband said: "Officer, it is my fault. I was arguing with my wife and she got upset."

Ms. Bleuel, a 64-year-old psychotherapist from Westlake Village, Calif., says that the policeman looked stunned, then replied: "Oh boy, I know what it's like—I'm married, too. But please, in the future, try to go easy on her."

It's great advice for everyone, right? But how do we do it? How can we learn to keep our cool when we're upset? How long should we let a disagreement go on? Is there always a "winner"?

couples deal with conflict. A key finding: Couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, "You can get angry, but it's important to talk without fighting."

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream

• DO IT: The problem will not go away if you don't talk about it.

• COOL OFF: Pick a time when you can return to the argument with less emotion—ideally, within 24 hours and in person.

• DON'T ASSUME: You probably don't know exactly what your partner is thinking, even if you think you do.

• FLEXIBILITY ISN'T WEAKNESS: You can change your position without "losing."

• SEE THE OTHER SIDE: This is the best way to downgrade a heated conflict into a momentary disagreement.

• HOLD HANDS: Sit close, make eye contact, which can help make your interactions more positive.

• ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS: Do this only if you're modeling good argument techniques.

• AGREE TO DISAGREE: Recognize that you are in a partnership. Look for the middle ground.

• CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY: You can never take them back.

Source: WSJ reporting

The latest findings from his research, published in June in the "Journal of Family Psychology," show that couples who reported they had negative communication before marriage—criticizing each other's opinions, rolling their eyes, leaving the room—were more likely to end up divorcing.

Although research shows that the biggest issues couples argue about are money, sex, work, kids and housework, we all know the possibilities for conflict are endless. I've been asking couples what they argue about and have heard about plenty of fights over home renovations, plus sports cars, mini-skirts, how to a pack and whether to buy mayonnaise or Miracle Whip. One man said he and his girlfriend argue over whether to argue.

Diana Miller, a 65-year-old financial advisor from San Diego, once fought with a former boyfriend over Trout Amandine. She had spent more than an hour preparing it one evening. Her boyfriend loved the dinner, she says, but he became upset when she tossed the leftover wrapper and fish skin in the trash.

"I couldn't believe how unhappy he became about a potential fish stench when I had just cooked this great meal," she says. "I felt underappreciated and furious." Ms. Miller responded by stomping her foot and telling her boyfriend that she was going for a walk—and they could discuss the issue when she returned.

It may be helpful to note that the experts make no distinction between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging (I was horrified to learn). They're all ways of expressing disagreement with another person that often become destructive, with one or both people using insults, clamming up or storming off.

Why do we do this? For starters, many of us learned by watching our parents have destructive arguments—or bottle up their anger and give each other the silent treatment. We've also been raised to believe that success means winning—and if one side wins, the other must lose.

The Juggle

· To Fight Right, Have a "Couple's Meeting"?

Now, here's the good news: It's possible to learn to argue in a much healthier way. The first thing you have to do is talk to the other person. "The longer a conflict stews, the more likely we are going to get into catastrophe mode," says Jennifer Samp, associate professor in the speech communication department at the University of Georgia and a fellow at the Institute for Behavioral Research.

"We are mulling it and thinking about it and it will become bigger and scarier and more threatening than if we are able to talk about it if it just comes up," she says.

Dr. Markman has developed a method, for helping couples settle disputes, called the "speaker-listener technique," which he details in a newly-revised edition of a book he wrote with several colleagues: "Fighting for Your Marriage."

He says that couples who have a disagreement should call a "couple's meeting" to discuss the issue without looking for a solution—and set a time limit of 15 minutes. They may flip a coin to see who speaks first.

The person who wins the toss, let's say it's the wife, should explain her position in two to three statements. Her husband should listen, then repeat what he heard, to show that he understood. The wife should then speak again, further explaining her position. And, again, the husband should listen and repeat her points.

They then reverse roles and repeat those same steps.

"A lot of times, all you need is to be listened to," says Dr. Markman, who tells couples that by the end of this exercise, it's likely that an answer to their problem will be evident. If it is not, they may then have another meeting specifically to brainstorm solutions.

Several years ago, Jackie Kendall-Gebel and her husband, Dave Gebel—childhood sweethearts who have been married 30 years—took a seminar run by Dr. Markman to improve their relationship and find a better way to argue. Usually, one spouse would bring up a problem and the other would walk away or shut down. "We would sometimes get stuck in a pattern of wheel spinning," says Ms. Kendall-Gebel, 52, a church education director from Aurora, Colo.

Now, the Gebels automatically use Dr. Markman's technique when they have a conflict. Recently, Mr. Gebel came home from work and was more quiet than usual. When his wife pressed him, he insisted that nothing was wrong.

So she asked to use the "speaker-listener technique" and told him she interpreted his coolness as anger and asked if that was the message he intended. He apologized for his mood, explaining that he'd had a tough day at work.

"Now we see it less as arguing," says Ms. Kendall-Gebel. "It's less competitive and more cooperative."